


The NPC's Opera

by glacialphoenix



Category: Final Fantasy IX, Final Fantasy VI
Genre: Community: ff_land, Crossover, Gen, Humor, Poetry, Prompt Fic, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-06
Updated: 2013-01-06
Packaged: 2017-11-23 21:16:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/626609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glacialphoenix/pseuds/glacialphoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the prompt: The Treno Auctioneer from FFIX and the Impresario from FFVI rant to each other about the things they put up with in their respective line of work (namely: Kuja and Ultros.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The NPC's Opera

APPENDIX I | DELETED SCENES

 

EDITOR’S NOTE:

This portion of the deleted scenes was retrieved from a preserved copy of the first edition of the text, purportedly belonging to the actor playing the role of the Auctioneer.

We have kept this reproduction as faithful to the original as possible.

Editor’s notes will be added as necessary.

___________

[SETTING:

An unnamed bar between universes. There is a lone moogle serving as the bartender. The bar is empty save for two men: the TRENO AUCTIONEER and the IMPRESARIO of the JIDOOR OPERA HOUSE, who are lamenting at each other while nursing their drinks.]

AUCTIONEER

O eidolons above, grant me relief;  
Grant me oblivion sweet - o, blessed ale!  
I thank thee, kind moogle. [He nods at the man next to him] Look you, fair sir,  
with face most grave - is it you share my pain?  
Come, new friend mine: I offer thee a toast.

[They toast.]

What ails thee, then?

IMPRESARIO

Amateurs! Hack actors! New sopranos  
Whose voices make the house’s windows crack  
From side to side. No angel choir this,  
But howling screams of damn-ed souls, begging  
For oblivion’s sweet release. What of me?  
Why, no relief remains save that of drink  
(A blessing most devoutly cherish-ed.)  
I see you suffer too: another toast, then,  
Ere we share our stories.

[They toast again. Make sure to show the Kupo Ale logo on the mug!]

AUCTIONEER

[Music starts at the line “I but brought in...”, rising in volume throughout]

But now you sound like him! “Rank amateurs!”  
So sayeth he, voice dripping cold disdain.  
“I can’t stand the untalented!” he cries,  
While singing praises of antique curtains  
I but brought in that day: “O purest white  
That shields mine eyes from sun’s unyielding light;  
That drapes gently o’er my windowpane --”  
I tuned him out; he continues in this vein.

IMPRESARIO

“Celes!” the thief cries, though that’s not her name;  
Not in a play! Not when she looks the same  
As our Maria -

AUCTIONEER

[talking over the top of the IMPRESARIO’s last line]

I do admit it’s true they were pure silk,  
but behaviour of that ilk?

BOTH

It’s sure to leave me feeling quite dismayed!

[Music abruptly cuts.

Silence.]

IMPRESARIO

He brought a plague upon my opera house!

AUCTIONEER

He sashays about in a purple thong!

IMPRESARIO

Purple octopodes descended on us!

AUCTIONEER

And thinks he’s quite the - Sorry, purple what?

IMPRESARIO

Octopus: eight legs, tentacles, squirts ink  
Black as darkest night; a delicacy  
You may perchance have tasted of before.  
This one penned a threat, in his own dark ink -  
A dire one. Worse than his handwriting:  
I misread it at first. Would I had not!  
I thought it read “I’ll ham up your opera,”  
A trick of little use. There the shame lies!

[He sobs. The AUCTIONEER pats his shoulder sympathetically.]

What a piece of work this opera house is: how fine its facades! how unrivalled its costs! in majesty how like a palace! in form and content how utterly uplifting! the pride of Jidoor; the splendour of the world! --and our opera crasher is sub-par!

[He breathes heavily before recovering]

We wrought a trick. It was a cunning one:  
Celes would play Maria! They looked alike  
As two peas in a pod: in this fashion  
We would trick Setzer. It was not to be -  
A purple octopus dropped from the sky -  
The rafters, rather! and struck both male leads  
A painful blow. Passed they both out at once.  
Our treasure hunter took straight to the stage,  
As did octopus vile. O unholy day,  
O day of woe! Grant me this one wish -  
That never again shall I bear witness  
To such acting. “Blue-blooded octopus!”

AUCTIONEER

Say you this now? Count your blessings, my friend:  
Mine would play them both, and Maria too!  
O, but you should hear him: canary-mad,  
As cuckoo as a clock missing its gears.

[He mimics Kuja]

Now, princess, sweet canary mine, fly home  
And return to your mother. I shall wait  
With arms extended, open wide, until  
The stage is set. Then shall I reveal  
The trap I laid, which thou hast flown into...  
Is this a Dagger I see before me?  
Aye, it is. I have thee now, my pretty;  
And in this gilded cage thou shalt remain.

So he does speak. Won’t answer to his name.  
Heaven forfend you call him aught but Sir  
Or, better yet, Lord King. I’ve no idea  
Why he craves this so. If titles he wants?  
I’ve some in mind: His Royal Pantslessness;  
Queen of Unneeded Drama. There we go!

IMPRESARIO

His Royal Pantslessness? Whither the name?

AUCTIONEER

He runs around in but a purple thong.

IMPRESARIO

...How came you by this unseemly knowledge?

AUCTIONEER

Why, for he makes no attempt to hide it!  
Think you I wish to see this purple thong?

IMPRESARIO

True. Forgive me, friend; I spoke out of turn.  
What dire shade is this thong you speak of?

AUCTIONEER

A most delicate shade of lavender.

IMPRESARIO

Surely it is not in fashion? Then why --

AUCTIONEER

I do not wish to contemplate his crotch.

[Silence.]

Come, friend mine. If invite brain-death we must,  
Then let it be by some more pleasant route  
Than this. Here’s to oblivion! Another round -  
We shall drink and drink until we both black out.

[LIGHTS FADE]

\-------------

EDITOR’S NOTE:

This scene was present in the first edition, but struck from later editions of the text following accusations of slander. In order to protect himself from being incinerated with Flare Star, the playwright removed the scene.

However, the scene proved popular with many members of the audience, and so the playwright was forced to replace it with a similarly-written scene. Subsequent editions were therefore published with two soldiers discussing the flaws of a character named Genesis; all extant copies of the first edition were purchased and burned.

In some versions of the play, this scene is replaced by a monologue recited by the character Gilgamesh. Interestingly, none of the monologues are the same, sharing only the common thread of ‘wandering the Rift’. There has been much scholarly speculation on this strange phenomenon.


End file.
